I quietly listened to him while smiling and pondering about my life over the last decade. I remembered in that moment a younger self when my first two were exactly the same ages of my now two youngest children. In a way I was a calmer parent back then. I was less busy and I enjoyed doing more kid things with my children. Yet there is something that I did not know how to do back then. I did not know how to forget about my problems and focus on what was good right in front of me.

I remember as my husband and I started life on our own, I quickly realized that there seemed to be so many challenges. I often chased after things hoping that all my problems would some day go away.

I would often think about my happy childhood days, so I thought that all I needed to do is recreate the life that I once had with my husband. I thought that we needed a more stable career, a home to call our own, toys, clothes, cars, a yard, all those little things that I could remember that made my childhood so special.

But I also often felt that there were outside problems caused by others that I just could not stop from coming at me. I often struggled with people being extremely critical of my situation. And that would cause me so much pain. I seriously could not stop the voices from the people that had hated me so much in my life, to stop from coming at me in my head.

I would often feel pain from my troubles. That pain was almost daily. I was always told that the weight came from what was called depression. And that burden was something that I would take with me everywhere. But I knew that I couldn’t keep living like this.

So I spent a lot of time trying to fix my outward circumstances.

But as the years went by, I realized that just as a set of problems would be resolved, a new set of problems would always seem to unfold. All of my problems were never going to go away.

I soon realized that the reason why I was also happy as a child was because I did not dwell on my problems. I forgave quickly, I moved on from things quickly, I didn’t spend a lot of time evaluating whether I was a good person or not. I allowed the love from God to just be inside of me and didn’t questions things.

I remember arriving at a point in my life where I just wanted everything to stop. I wanted a mental vacation from what seemed to be all the cares and problems of this world.

I wanted to stop feeling the pain from the death of my mom, I wanted to stop the thoughts that kept on coming reminding me of all the mental abuse I had suffered from other people. I wanted to stop feeling inadequate because I hadn’t met a certain financial or personal goal. I wanted to stop feeling inadequate that I wasn’t in my final home, and that I had scars on my face from years and years of acne. I wanted all those things that I knew I did not have to stop bothering me on a daily basis.

And so I started completely pushing away those negative thoughts about what was not right in my life and replacing them with what was good right around me.

It wasn’t easy at first. I had to start by doing meditations where I would imagine I had the life of my dreams. In my head I had to tell myself ” you are going to lie to yourself Serena and believe what you cannot see.”

I would sometimes write in advance what I was going to say to myself because whenever I would start a meditation I didn’t even know where to start and what to think about and say to myself.

But slowly, I also started recognizing the real blessings I had around me right then and there. For the first time, I started to truly appreciate every moment I got to spend with my children. I started recognizing how blessed I was to spend each day with them at home, the cute things that they do and say.

I started to live more in the present and truly appreciate the wonderful feelings that come from the small little daily blessings. Like holding my baby on my chest while reading a book, the joy that comes from snuggling with my husband and children on the couch while watching a movie on a Friday night. Etc, etc.

And so today for me that moment came when I took the time to snuggle with my girl and listen to my four year old son as he walked in my room and started talking to me. Because I remembered that right before, I was actually spending some time worrying about my life. Thinking about my future and how I am not sure if everything is going to be ok. Not sure in this world if I will always be able to make it financially, if we will always all be healthy. Yes, life still brings its challenges, and as a mom I often tend to worry when I think about our future. I try and plan and strategize and with that often come so many stresses and concerns.

But I am learning that while there are a million outside circumstances that I cannot change, now I can turn off my brain and soak in the good moments. And this part of my life I no longer need to lie to myself to believe in it. This is what I tell myself is called turning the negatives in my life into a positive. Because sometimes I cannot change what I don’t like, but I can change what I choose to focus on. And by shifting my perspective a little bit, all of a sudden I don’t feel so sad anymore, but I can see my blessings. And I no longer need to lie to myself, but I can now truly say that I am seeing what’s good that is right in front of me.

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